Thursday, May 31, 2012

Daily Musings

Over the last 21 months, I've learned a lot about life.

I've learned that I took for granted the free time I had prior to being a parent.
I've learned that being a stay-at-home mom is a lot of work.
I've learned that being a mom while working full time is a lot of work.
I've learned that I can be lazy.
I've learned that I can be very productive.
I've learned that I have no clue who I am.
I've learned that I really have no idea what I'm doing.

We've been watching Mad Men a lot. We just started Season 4 and I've been really upset that I'm not a Betty Draper. I don't have a neat house all the time. My fridge is usually filled with junk. Of course, I recently reminded myself that Betty does have a maid.

Life has also been extremely adventurous. Just the other day, I decided to write a book about living with a child (soon to be children) 2500 miles away from your family. I decided this book shall be called Adventures in Poop. I mean seriously. Why is there ALWAYS poop involved?! I have many friends who dodge Facebook friends because they are constantly talking about their kids' poop. Or poop in general. Somehow, kids always end up associated with poop!  Whenever my husband comes home, I immediately start on the daily poop updates.  I understand why people who are not parents get bent out of shape because my whole day revolves around poop!  (Sorta...)

I'm getting a hands' on experience on the differences in pregnancies.  When I was pregnant with Orion, I worked full time from home.  It was a very fast paced job that required me to be in front of my computer 40+ hours/week and I was on the phone for a good 30 of that.  I had lots of information that I needed to just be able to call up at any given moment and that's one of the things that made me a valuable employee.  I had a lot of info that I could just summon and I was quick and efficient at paperwork.  I love paperwork.  Seriously.  Working from home allowed me to laze around and I spent many hours watching television or surfing the internet or playing World of Warcraft.  If I needed to sleep, I took a lunch break and slept.  I'd go to bed early and sleep late whenever I could.  If I had an early shift, I'd take a nap and then still go to bed early.

When I brought my son home, I was granted 6 weeks maternity leave (30 business days).  I took those days for granted.  I took for granted when my son was immobile and when he was breastfeeding.  I'd just block him out unless he needed something.  Obviously I kept an eye on him but he was more a part of the furniture than anything else.

The more mobile he got, the harder my job became.  I ended up on anti-depressants because I was having trouble coping with my life.  A full time job, a full time parent, a full time wife and maid and cook?  I mean seriously.  That's way too much for one person to do with no help.  Now, that's not to say that my husband didn't do anything.  He was all of these things too.  But when it's all said and done, where is the personal down time?  It doesn't exist.  Things start slipping.

This second pregnancy is very very much wanted but was as much of a surprise as when I found out I was pregnant with our son.  I panicked because we'd been planning to get an IUD and wait 5 years for another baby and here I was pregnant again.  At least I'd be delivering in September.  Except that we found out I was much farther along than I thought.  I would be delivering at the end of July.  We decided that I should put in my notice for work (my job was pretty specialized and I'd been doing it for 5 years so I gave them 2 months' notice).  My time got cut a month short and I've been a stay at home mom ever since.

But being a stay at home mom isn't easy by any means.  I spend my days chasing my 21 month old toddler who is incredibly active.  If I'm not chasing Orion, I'm trying to do the cleaning and cooking that need to be done.  And I'm exhausted.  I'm 7 months pregnant and all I want to do is sleep.  Everything hurts and it's hurt for far longer than it did with Orion.  I'm contemplating a maternity support belt because wow.  Ouch.

I've learned along the way that I can't stick to some things and others I'm really good at sticking to.  We watch a lot of TV.  I'm tired.  Orion loves Toy Story.  If it's not Toy Story, it's Rio or Little Einsteins or Go Diego Go.  We had Netflix on a PlayStation 3 for awhile so we also watched The Backyardigans or Sesame Street or The Cat in the Hat or Curious George.  He eats more mac and cheese than I ever wanted him to.  And French Fries?  Forget it.  Can't get enough of them.

But ya know something I've learned?  My little boy is happy.  He's healthy.  He smiles and laughs and we have a good time.  I've learned that I've been too plugged in for too long in his very short life.  He'll come running up to me and slam my laptop closed if I've been on it for too long.  So I make sure that I limit my computer time.  My lazing about time.  If we're watching TV, I pull him onto my lap and we talk about what's going on.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the Time Magazine article (what mom hasn't?!) about being mom enough (This is a much much longer blog entry, not for tonight) and you know what it comes down to?  My little boy is healthy and happy and loves me and knows he's loved.  And that's what's important.

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